If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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