there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
