New low: just hacked my moms facebook
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
