it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
