woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
