my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
