Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
