Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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