I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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