you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
