i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
