we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize