Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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