i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
