I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
