tonight lets celebrate not being married
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
