dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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