i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
