My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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