so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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