I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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