Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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