Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
