i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Randomize
