I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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