Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
third nipple confirmed
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
