Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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