her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
