i just sent this text using only my big toe
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
