So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
