in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
