is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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