"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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