So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
