i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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