Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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