There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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