dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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