so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
