I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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