tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
