omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
