I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
