Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
and eventually we just all took our pants off
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
