the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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