Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
