More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
