My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just googled if crying burns calories
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
