They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
