He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize