i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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