you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
