the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
