my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
