after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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