I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
