she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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