I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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