Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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