dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
