Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
