Im at strip club and am horny
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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