If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
