ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
