oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We got so high we made milksteak
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize