I cannot find my penis.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I will be naked everywhere
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
