I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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