I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
