My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
